Put down the self-tanning lotion and no one gets hurt...

I am not a sun-worshipper. I have incredibly white skin, so white, in fact, that I could easily pass for a great big sheet of lined notebook paper (my stretch marks would be the lines!). And for the most part I accept my pasty white skin as a mark of my hatred of all things hot, especially the sun.

But when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day I was truly amazed at just how white my legs had gotten. I remembered I had a tube of self-tanning lotion in the back of my closet, something I'd gotten but never used. Until now.

It started out so well. I smoothed on the white, creamy lotion, was careful around the ankles and knees, waited the 30 minutes to avoid staining my clothes, and went on with my day.

A few hours later I looked down to discover that popping out of my capri pants were two horribly discolored calves. And then I saw my ankles. I thought I'd been careful around my ankles. But now, where, just hours before, I had nice, normal ankles, I now had big, brown (not tan!) blobs.

The label on the self-tanner said the tan couldn't be rubbed off, but you know I tried. I got a loofa and soap and scrubbed like mad. But instead of taking off the tan, I ended up with scratched up red and brown ankles.

I've since thrown away the self-tanning lotion... but not without trying a second time, with pretty much the same results.

I'm back to embracing my tanless skin. After all, it worked for Scarlett O'Hara.