Dear girl at the next table,
Hi! You don’t know me, and I wish I wasn’t aware of you,
but your incessant smacking caused me to look your way. And I’m so sad for you,
because it is obvious your mother didn’t teach you table manners. No, don’t
worry; lots of people don’t know basic etiquette any more. Probably because
so many families don’t have dinner together anymore, which is leading to lots
of people not knowing the proper way to simply eat. And yes, there is a proper
way.
For instance, it is not proper to lick your knife after
you’ve cut with it. I wish I hadn’t seen you do that, but halfway through my
salad I knew I was going to write about you so I had to keep looking. Once you
cut with your knife, set it down. Do not stick the entire knife in your mouth
and lick it. Seriously.
Also, you put a lot of stuff in your mouth at once. A.
Lot. Small bites, dear. The food’s not going to jump off your plate and run
away. It will still be there, so cut smaller portions and chew with your mouth
closed.
And while both of those are major pet peeves of mine, the
most egregious error was the fact that your elbows never left the table for one
minute of the entire meal. Didn’t your mother sing you the lovely little ditty,
“Mable, Mable, if you’re able, get your elbows off the table! This is not a
horse’s stable! This is the family dining table!” Catchy, I know. Here’s the
scoop: keep the hand that’s not holding your utensil in your lap. Easy peasy!
Now, you may be saying, “Who cares?!” We do live in a
more relaxed society than we did a decade ago, but people are still expected to
know basic table etiquette. And if you ever go out for a business dinner, you’re
going to care. It is no fun to be the only one who doesn’t know which fork to
use. (I’ve seen the look of confusion on people’s eyes, and it’s not pretty. Remember,
work from the outside in. Use the outside fork first.)
Thankfully you scarfed your food down so fast you left
before our entrees came, so I was spared the slurping and knife-sucking while I
ate my fish. But I couldn’t get you out of my mind, because even though I’m
poking fun at you, I am sad for you. I’m thankful my mom took the time to teach
me which fork to use, which bread plate is mine and what to do with my knife. I
kept thinking you missed out on some old-fashioned home training.
So girl with the Gucci bag, if you ever happen to find
this, please know I mean this with only the best of intentions: get thee to a
bookstore and buy Emily Post’s Etiquette.
I think I’ll go dust mine off and do a quick review.
Sincerely,
A fellow diner
