tetherball. There was a tetherball set-up at the school I went to in 8th grade. I was horrible at it; I don’t think I ever won a game. All I could think about was the last time I played. It was no fun and by the end I was so frustrated I could have spit nails. I was surprised I had such a visceral reaction to something that happened 26 years ago... As I laughed at the memory I said, “That game makes me want to cuss!”To which one of the men, in a grave tone, said, “It’s not the game, Christy.”
Now, for those who may not fully understand all that was loaded in his comment, allow me to translate: “It’s not the game, Christy, it’s your sin that makes you want to cuss.”
His comment stung. There I was, standing with several people from church I didn’t know terribly well but certainly wanted to and I’m being called out for giving in to my sin nature when all I was really trying to do was make a joke.
For the record, no one is more aware of my sin than I. From the minute I wake up to the second I fall asleep I know I’m a wretch saved by grace, knowledge I gain from the hourly (minute-ly?) struggle to rely on that grace to die to self, to take every thought captive, to not hold a grudge or keep a record of wrong or wrangle all the other ways my sin seeps out.
If this man knew me he’d know I don’t blame games for my sin. I was simply trying to be funny, not make a theological statement.
All I know of this man is good: he loves his wife and children, is committed to God and our church. And I’m sure he thought he was being helpful. He heard what he thought was a sinful comment and wanted to correct it on the spot. I do not fault him for wanting to point me to truth.
What I can (and do) fault him for is a horrible lack of discretion. Dude, it was a picnic. Seven other people were standing there. Have the decency to speak to me in private.
Solomon said to everything there is a season which includes a time to keep silence and a time to speak. The Message translation says: “A right time to shut up and another to speak up.”
I’m no theologian, but I think it's interesting that keeping silent comes before speaking up.
I’m also no playground monitor but I'm pretty sure the right time to call someone out isn’t at a church picnic and it’s sure as heck not in front of others.
At least the hot dogs were good.
Something I try and teach my kids: Even if you are 100% right, kindness trumps truth every time. If your immediate response to this is "what if a person really needs to hear the truth?" remember that kindness is still the higher calling and tact is an expression of kindness.
ReplyDeleteFurthermore, any criticism is sin if it is not motivated by love. If your loving motivation can't do better than to pointlessly embarrass someone in front of a bunch of people, you need to check to see if it was love in the first place.
Bottom line: If your truth doesn't express your love, keep it shut.
However, just a hunch, I expect that there is an altogether different culprit at root here, and his name is sarcasm. This is the danger of being a very sarcastic person. You are trying to say, "That is exactly how I feel about tetherball. In fact, that is exactly how I feel in way too many situations in my own life. I think that the problem is in me. Thanks be to God that He has delivered my from this body of death" (by which everyone might be edified), instead you tease someone and assume that they understand that you really mean something humble. Rebuking sin is really not a good place for an ironic approach, or a good subject for sarcasm.
Some people just don't have a sense of humor. Period.
ReplyDeleteThose are usually the ones who also see everything in black or white. And their Type A personalities make them human bulldozers.
Ugh.
Glad the hotdogs were good.
The guy was way out of line - and most decidedly not "speaking the truth in love." Did anyone else in the group have the decency to cringe at his words?
ReplyDeleteKim - your human bulldozer line is exactly right. I may have to steal that from you! :-)
ReplyDeleteCatherine - I don't know how the other people felt. No one said anything; my husband said it was one of those comments you don't realize is as damaging as it is until later, then the time's passed to say anything.
The one thing I wish I'd included in the post is I Cor. 13. Without love we are clanging cymbals or noisy gongs. By the grace of God I was able to examine my heart after his comment, but it sure was hard to hear with all that racket going on in my head.
Christy! I love your honesty! When Sarah was around 2 years old, I was at the very beginning of my Christian life. I was at church and made the comment that the only time I had any peace in the day was when Barney was on tv! A man turned to me and said, and I quote, "Barney! Barney is the anti-Christ!" He went on to diatribe about the self-esteem movement. As I had just been told I was exposing my first-born child to the devil, I really didn't feel like listening anymore. Or going back to that church ever again. He was a church person, and I clearly did not belong there. I found so much more acceptance at a place that was looking for sinners and "newcomers" and investigators. I heard over and over from people who said, "I could be wrong, but the way I interpret the Bible on that issue is....," With love, and patience, I learned a great deal from people who took the time to read the Bible and speak to me as an intelligent (but perhaps uninformed) person. Christy-I feel sad for you and I am sorry this happened!
ReplyDeleteTracey
Q: What do tetherball, billiards and darts have in common? A: They all make Christy want to cuss.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we should take a step back… is cussing sinful? Biblically proving the affirmative is not an easy task.
ReplyDeleteTracey - thanks for your story. We Christians so often do more harm than good. I sometimes wonder what God was thinking when he gave us the responsibility to spread the good news.
ReplyDeleteChef - I wasn't braced enough.