On Saturday, I read a question on Facebook that a
relative posted about her 18 month old son climbing out of his crib.
On Sunday, I read a news story about two high school
football players who were convicted of rape and sentenced to a minimum of one
year in a juvenile detention facility.
How could the stories of a toddler throwing his leg over
the crib rail and a rape conviction possibly be related? Are there studies proving babies who climb out of their cribs go on to lead lives of crime?
Of course not! But something in the rape store reminded me of some of the
responses to the query on FB about the crib-climber. And that’s that the boys
in the rape story, according to Yahoo.com’s Dan Wetzel, “exploited permissive
parents.”
Well, sure. Until you realize you’ve said yes to your
precious darling so much that he’s now running around at all hours of the
night, drinking and doing who-knows-what to a drunk girl. Oh, wait: we do know
what. Because they took pictures and videos of the act.
What does this have to do with a toddler climbing out of
his crib? Well, some of the suggestions on how to deal with the situation involved
giving in – “Just move him to a toddler bed,” was a common reply, as was using a
crib tent.
Why didn’t anyone say, “Guess it’s time to teach Junior
how to stay in his crib?” Because the real problem isn’t a baby learning how to
climb out of the crib; the real problem is who’s in charge of when naptime is
over. If mom’s in charge, she needs to teach Baby to stay there until she
gets him up. If Baby’s in charge you better move him
to a toddler bed because he could hurt himself falling out of the crib.
I’m not against toddler beds or crib tents; parents needs to make the best decision for their family. But I am against parents
not realizing that each small abdication of authority leads to bigger ones. We
are called to make hard choices and teach our children right from wrong. If we
don’t start with the relatively easy tasks like who picks the end of naptime,
how will we be able to stand strong when our kids, who have never heard the word, “No,”
push the boundaries in their high school years? And what makes us think our kids will listen to us then?
My cousin, to her credit, wants to be a strong mom, and
is not interested in her 18 month old picking the end of his naptime. She simply
wasn’t ready for her baby to climb out of his crib. (I remember not being ready
for that, either!) But once it happened, she realized new decisions needed to
be made, and she is the one to make them.
Parents, we have to make the hard calls. Our kids may not thank us now, but we're not doing this to win their praise. We are called to raise up our children, "with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord." And that means exercising the authority the Lord has given us and actually being the boss. We're to be loving in our parenting, but loving does not mean always saying yes. Often, the most loving answer is, "No."
Amen. We're called to be parents first. Eventually that relationship will change and we'll become more like friends. But that's after a parent-child relationship built on respect for God-given authority exercised in love.
ReplyDeleteSean - we've learned this lesson the hard way at times, haven't we? Thankful for forgiveness and new starts. Love you.
ReplyDeleteHi Christy,
ReplyDeleteInteresting comparison. Sad story, though, eh? But it reminds me of how the first time Josiah climbed out, I put him back in and explained he couldn't get out until somebody came to get him, showing him how that would work. The next day (and thereafter) we'd hear this little voice calling out, "Somebody, somebody, somebody, somebody, somebody." The kids about fell over each other trying to get to that sweet little fella.
Beth Delaney
I've been reading your blog for years now and your and Sean's parenting has absolutely wowed me. It's not so much your explanatory posts like this, though they are excellent, but more the way your kids seem - as young people who both respect and love their parents - kids who have been trained with an incredibly difficult balance of the requirement that they be respectful of your authority, and still learn, grow, think, find who they are meant to be, and have fun. IMO yall are awesome parents.
ReplyDeleteI expect permissiveness did play a role in the rape case. They had no brakes on their self-indulgence or their horrible judgment. I can't really say that the rape itself is about that though. It's never just crass self-gratification or bad judgment, it's a degradation of another person, a violent dehumanizing of her, that's not about too-permissive raising. I will agree that being raised to respect authority and not do whatever they wanted because they could might have put the brakes on the drinking which in turn might have made them think twice about the trouble they'd get in for violating someone. But bottom line, no peer egging-on, or inhibition-dampening substance causes the values that let them even consider treating a woman/girl this way.
Beth - your story is so cute! I can just see everyone running to get him up!
ReplyDeleteNftP - Thanks for your kind words. And I appreciate your feedback; I should have been more clear that I don't think permissive parenting "caused" the rape; I think the lack of oversight created an atomosphere conducive to the violent act. In hindsight, I wish I'd made that more clear. Thanks for helping me see that.